The big, green monster

How to really handle jealousy in a mindful way

I read a book. Or actually, I read two books of a longer series, and by the end of book two, I was so incredibly immersed in the story that everything else had to give way. I wiped my entire morning clean to finish the book, cried and cheered, and it was fantastic! (For those who want to know, it was the Beasts of the Briar series by Elizabeth Helen)

And suddenly there it was.

A big, green monster. The monster of jealousy. The monster of “I want this too”, armed with all the “but’s” and “you can’t’s” and “you shouldn’t’s”. I was paralyzed by the monster from one moment to the next. Because the idea that I would never be able to do this hit me like a bombshell. Coupled with a desire to write a story with just that much impact on the reader, it was extra painful.

The monster struck with all the weapons it had. Who did I think I was? A story that grabs you and doesn’t let go, that makes you cry and rejoice, that puts everything aside and absorbs you… The idea that I could do that, that I would want to do it at all, was ridiculous. Something like that was only for others, and for me too grand. Too elusive. Too scary. Impossible, because I wasn’t that good.

And at the same time my heart bled because I wanted it so badly. I was seriously upset and after clearing…